Break Free From the Binds That Tie You

Dorothy Thompson She stood before me with two black eyes. Once a gregariously happy woman, she was now reduced to a shadow of the woman I used to know. Her name is Kelly. Everyone knows a Kelly at least once in their lifetime. Or, the Kelly could be you.

This is a true story...

Kelly is in her early thirties with three young children, all girls. Her last child was born just a few short months ago. What should be a time of happiness and joy is a time of hurt and pain. You see, Kelly is at the mercy of her husband, a drug user, who reminds her that she is worthless and shouldn’t have the right to be alive.

I didn’t know much about Kelly's life before she started working with me about a year ago, but I liked her right off the bat. She was full of energy and lit up the room wherever she went. Today, however, even the brightest light couldn't have covered up the shadows that loomed.

I knew before going to work that she had been punched in the face and was wearing two black eyes. I knew, too, that she had to work so that her children could eat and that was why she had to force herself to be there.

The moment I saw her, I wanted to hug her and tell her that everything was going to be all right, but you could tell that Kelly wanted to be alone. I watched her work, slowly and methodically, as if she were in a trance and deep in thought. She was deep in thought, all right...it’s called depression.

It's such a sad story and the bad part about it is, this is the sort of thing that happens every minute of every day to at least somebody in the world.

There are millions of women who wear the same shoes as Kelly. The horrid fact is that most of them will continue this downward spiral until they finally give up and succumb to the blows. I wasn’t about to let Kelly become yet another statistic.

I knew that the only way I could help Kelly was to bring her back to the person she once was. I knew she was there; finding the way to get her back was the first step in recovering and healing.

I’m happy to say that after I explained the five golden rules of self-discovery to her, I got through to her and she is now the happy woman I used to know, full of promise and with a bright future ahead.

Here’s what worked for Kelly and, if you’re in the same position, will work for you, too:

Forget about the past.

Sometimes we tend to carry over past hurts and disappointments into our present lives and that hinders our present and future relationships. Kelly had been abused in another relationships; therefore, she expected it to continue as much as she denied it. Once she learned to look at herself as a queen in her own right did she realize that Kelly didn’t have to be at the mercy of those who abused her.

Become independent.

One of the things I teach, in order to become the person someone would want to love, is to take charge of your own life and accept responsibilites. If you continue to rely on others to make you happy, or take care of you, you will never get to the point where you become self-sufficient and happy. I suggested to Kelly to ask for more hours at work and to concentrate on that nursing degree she so wanted before she got married. She aquired a few more hours at work and signed up at the local community college to pursue her career in nursing. I knew Kelly was going to make it because once she understood what she wanted from life, she set forth to attain those goals. In the long run, Kelly became the person someone would want to love. Above all, Kelly loved herself and that was the most important thing.

Separate yourself from negative influences.

Sometimes we wouldn’t know a negative influence if it hit us in the face, but our gut instincts knows it’s there. That nagging, gut-wrenching pain in our stomach is a sure sign that someone around you is zapping your resources, pride and energy. Eliminate the negative influence from your life to allow the positive influences to come in. Kelly, as hard as it was for her to do, left her husband. Two months later, Kelly holds her head high. It’s a rough road at first, but it gets easier with each baby step you take towards self-fulfillment. It worked for Kelly and it will work for you, too.

Love yourself so that others can love you, too.

Kelly learned that day that loving herself was the key that opened the door to happiness. No longer did she look in the mirror and have two black eyes staring back at her, but instead she saw a glowing face full of energy and vibrateness. Kelly saw the person she used to be and continues to work on keeping that happy, smiling face staring back at her each and every morning. Sure, there will be days when the smile starts to turn downwards and that’s when she realizes that there is something going on that needs improving and works towards conquering it instead of ignoring it. Each time she conquers these negativities, it empowers her and makes her even more stronger.

Believe in miracles.

Lastly, when you are at your lowest and there seems to be no strength left, there is only one thing left that you can do and that is have faith in yourself. Reach down inside yourself and find the spirit within you. That spirit can bounce back just as easy as it can be crushed. Remember miracles happen every day, but the miracle inside of you is your spirit that is everlasting. Kelly found her spirit that day. Her walk is faster and her smile is wider. She realized that it wasn’t what was on the outside that mattered; it was what was on the inside. Kelly is now filled with love and joy, instead of bitterness, sorrow and hate.

The bottom line is, how can we prevent from becoming a statistic? What can we do to protect ourselves from this kind of treatment?

The answer lies within ourselves, but we can't find the answers nor the strength if we are constantly told that we are worthless. What we have to do is get away from the source of critisism and envelope ourselves with love from others. With this outpouring of love will come nothing but encouragement. And what happens is, your brain is tricked into thinking that you are good, you are great, you are strong, until you finally have tackled the biggest obstacle--finding out that you are worthy of being treated as a queen. For, you are a queen. Once your brain registers this, you slowly climb out of the mindset that no one will love you or you're good for nothing.

It's a hard pill to swallow and will take work, but once you realize that, you will find that no one will ever touch you again. Allowing this kind of behavior will become unacceptable and those around you will realize this, too. Your mannerisms, the way you hold your head high, all of this helps you to realize your full potential. You are a queen in your own right and no one can take that from you.

This article on domestic abuse is a little different from the normal soul mate articles I write, but, on the other hand, it has a lot to do with soul mates. Once you stand up for yourself and declare truce with your inner demons telling you that you are worthless and that you can’t make it in the world on your own, you will discover a new you. This new you will attract soul mates from near and far.

© Dorothy Thompson

About the Author

Dorothy Thompson is a syndicated relationship columnist and author of "Romancing the Soul" and "How to Find and Keep Your Soul Mate."